my self worth measured in text back tempo,
its been 2 days late minutes to slow.
there may still be others but i like to pretend,
that I'm the one you really want to grow old with...
Oh how I do love that song. Thank you, Imogen, for being such a musical genius.
This morning something happened that made me realize just how much I fear others. Not necessarily their person, but their opinions and thoughts. What are they thinking? Do they think I'm as big a failure as I think myself to be? Do they pity me? I don't want to be pitied.
Maybe it's myself that I fear. I think I definitely push my own thoughts of what I think of myself onto other people. Like, they must think that way about me too.
Yesterday I was uuuber depressed. I woke up and instantly felt a cloud over my head. The frustrating thing is that I can't link it to anything. Nothing happened that I should think would bring about bad memories or something. How does one fix something that happens for no reason? I mean, most people can tell when they're going to get depressed because something triggers it. Mine's just like, randomly, 'HEY! I'm here to ruin your day and make you as miserable as possible. Aren't you glad??!!" Bleh.
I'm reading Francine River's version of the story of Ruth right now. Tis one of the most beautiful stories in the Bible, in my opinion. I want to be like Ruth some day.... loyal, loving, someone with a total servant's heart, and someone who most importantly follows God no matter what He asks of her. That's a lot to live up to, and she was a Moabite!
Today I'm going to look and see if I can find a new dog in the animal shelter down in Calhoun. I'm really excited :) The last animal shelter I went to was really nice, but the people were rude and almost all of the dogs were pit bulls. I mean, they are dogs too, but yuck. ha! We'll see what I find though, because I'm looking for something pretty particular.
Anyway, I guess I'm going to wrap this up. I'm house sitting this week and didn't get much sleep last night so I'm pretty exhausted. Still have to go to the shelter, drive all the way home, work on the fence, feed my charges, and then about a million other things. *sigh* Anyone up for taking my place?? hehe. Just kidding, I love where the Lord has placed me... even if it isn't very glamorous.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
mutare
mutare = 'to change', in Latin. Change seems to be following me these days.
Moving to Denver changed a lot inside of me. I feel like a completely different person has returned to her small little home town of Chatsworth. It's not the kind of change you would expect would have come about, either.
Before I moved to Denver I considered myself a risk taker. I was always ready to try the new thing, explore a new place, etc etc etc. I was not at all confident in myself, but I was cynical enough and sarcastic enough to make it seem like I was. I was always out with someone, doing some activity, or just hanging out with friends. I hated being at home... it was a place I almost dreaded. Moving to Denver seemed like the perfect adventure for my longing heart. A place to escape the bad memories and hurt. Who could hurt me if I was 1500 miles away?
I'm not sure, exactly, what happened to me in Denver. At the beginning it seemed that everything was going perfectly. I was going out into a huge city, finding my own job, looking at apartments, and making my own life. But, then something happened. I can't give it a name, because as far as I'm concerned I don't know what it is.
It's like something shifted inside me. I started to hesitate when I wanted to ride my bike down to the store. At first I didn't allow it, but I gradually started to allow fear to creep into my heart. It makes me think of that black goo in Spider Man 3... it started out small, but eventually took over.
Now that I am back in GA, things are very strange. Where I used to hate my house, now I have no desire to ever leave it. Where I used to love hanging out with my friends, now I quiver at the thought of being in a group of people. Where I used to be a closed, and tightly locked, chasm of secrets, now I want to be honest with people and have people know me for who I really am. Where I used to sit and dream about what I could do in life, now I'm more prone to sit and fear what life may bring.
I love being back in Ga, which is strange because I used to want to do anything to get away. But, when I think about it, I don't think it's Ga I love... it's the security of my home. I don't like going out, in fact, I avoid it. I have become terrified of seeing people I know, or who might know me. And when I do see people I know, I can't talk right... my brain goes into hyper mode and I freak out and my words come out so fast that they just tumble all over each other and don't make any sense. It's so frustrating, and makes me feel like a complete idiot.
Because I have chosen to not go to church at this stage in my life, I'm afraid my old friends (all of whom are from church) will want nothing to do with me. It's a struggle to not think, they must think I'm a total heathen....
I know I have to stay true to myself. I have to focus on God.
But this fear that has latched itself onto my heart... it's crippling.
Lord, you know my heart, you knew before the beginning of time that I would go through this. I know you have my back, and I know you are always willing to take my hand. Please, Father, help me out of this pit of fear. Pull me out of the mire. I don't want to be a slave to fear. I want to live life freely, my eyes always on You. I want my heart to be free and happy, and filled with love... not bitterness and hatred. I know you can do these things, and I will try my best to wait patiently on You, Lord.
I suppose you, the reader, might now know what to think about all this. I'm not even sure I know what to think. I would like to, however, ask for prayer from my brothers and sisters. And acceptance.
Only the Lord knows why life can so suddenly turn around for a person....
Moving to Denver changed a lot inside of me. I feel like a completely different person has returned to her small little home town of Chatsworth. It's not the kind of change you would expect would have come about, either.
Before I moved to Denver I considered myself a risk taker. I was always ready to try the new thing, explore a new place, etc etc etc. I was not at all confident in myself, but I was cynical enough and sarcastic enough to make it seem like I was. I was always out with someone, doing some activity, or just hanging out with friends. I hated being at home... it was a place I almost dreaded. Moving to Denver seemed like the perfect adventure for my longing heart. A place to escape the bad memories and hurt. Who could hurt me if I was 1500 miles away?
I'm not sure, exactly, what happened to me in Denver. At the beginning it seemed that everything was going perfectly. I was going out into a huge city, finding my own job, looking at apartments, and making my own life. But, then something happened. I can't give it a name, because as far as I'm concerned I don't know what it is.
It's like something shifted inside me. I started to hesitate when I wanted to ride my bike down to the store. At first I didn't allow it, but I gradually started to allow fear to creep into my heart. It makes me think of that black goo in Spider Man 3... it started out small, but eventually took over.
Now that I am back in GA, things are very strange. Where I used to hate my house, now I have no desire to ever leave it. Where I used to love hanging out with my friends, now I quiver at the thought of being in a group of people. Where I used to be a closed, and tightly locked, chasm of secrets, now I want to be honest with people and have people know me for who I really am. Where I used to sit and dream about what I could do in life, now I'm more prone to sit and fear what life may bring.
I love being back in Ga, which is strange because I used to want to do anything to get away. But, when I think about it, I don't think it's Ga I love... it's the security of my home. I don't like going out, in fact, I avoid it. I have become terrified of seeing people I know, or who might know me. And when I do see people I know, I can't talk right... my brain goes into hyper mode and I freak out and my words come out so fast that they just tumble all over each other and don't make any sense. It's so frustrating, and makes me feel like a complete idiot.
Because I have chosen to not go to church at this stage in my life, I'm afraid my old friends (all of whom are from church) will want nothing to do with me. It's a struggle to not think, they must think I'm a total heathen....
I know I have to stay true to myself. I have to focus on God.
But this fear that has latched itself onto my heart... it's crippling.
Lord, you know my heart, you knew before the beginning of time that I would go through this. I know you have my back, and I know you are always willing to take my hand. Please, Father, help me out of this pit of fear. Pull me out of the mire. I don't want to be a slave to fear. I want to live life freely, my eyes always on You. I want my heart to be free and happy, and filled with love... not bitterness and hatred. I know you can do these things, and I will try my best to wait patiently on You, Lord.
I suppose you, the reader, might now know what to think about all this. I'm not even sure I know what to think. I would like to, however, ask for prayer from my brothers and sisters. And acceptance.
Only the Lord knows why life can so suddenly turn around for a person....
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