mutare = 'to change', in Latin. Change seems to be following me these days.
Moving to Denver changed a lot inside of me. I feel like a completely different person has returned to her small little home town of Chatsworth. It's not the kind of change you would expect would have come about, either.
Before I moved to Denver I considered myself a risk taker. I was always ready to try the new thing, explore a new place, etc etc etc. I was not at all confident in myself, but I was cynical enough and sarcastic enough to make it seem like I was. I was always out with someone, doing some activity, or just hanging out with friends. I hated being at home... it was a place I almost dreaded. Moving to Denver seemed like the perfect adventure for my longing heart. A place to escape the bad memories and hurt. Who could hurt me if I was 1500 miles away?
I'm not sure, exactly, what happened to me in Denver. At the beginning it seemed that everything was going perfectly. I was going out into a huge city, finding my own job, looking at apartments, and making my own life. But, then something happened. I can't give it a name, because as far as I'm concerned I don't know what it is.
It's like something shifted inside me. I started to hesitate when I wanted to ride my bike down to the store. At first I didn't allow it, but I gradually started to allow fear to creep into my heart. It makes me think of that black goo in Spider Man 3... it started out small, but eventually took over.
Now that I am back in GA, things are very strange. Where I used to hate my house, now I have no desire to ever leave it. Where I used to love hanging out with my friends, now I quiver at the thought of being in a group of people. Where I used to be a closed, and tightly locked, chasm of secrets, now I want to be honest with people and have people know me for who I really am. Where I used to sit and dream about what I could do in life, now I'm more prone to sit and fear what life may bring.
I love being back in Ga, which is strange because I used to want to do anything to get away. But, when I think about it, I don't think it's Ga I love... it's the security of my home. I don't like going out, in fact, I avoid it. I have become terrified of seeing people I know, or who might know me. And when I do see people I know, I can't talk right... my brain goes into hyper mode and I freak out and my words come out so fast that they just tumble all over each other and don't make any sense. It's so frustrating, and makes me feel like a complete idiot.
Because I have chosen to not go to church at this stage in my life, I'm afraid my old friends (all of whom are from church) will want nothing to do with me. It's a struggle to not think, they must think I'm a total heathen....
I know I have to stay true to myself. I have to focus on God.
But this fear that has latched itself onto my heart... it's crippling.
Lord, you know my heart, you knew before the beginning of time that I would go through this. I know you have my back, and I know you are always willing to take my hand. Please, Father, help me out of this pit of fear. Pull me out of the mire. I don't want to be a slave to fear. I want to live life freely, my eyes always on You. I want my heart to be free and happy, and filled with love... not bitterness and hatred. I know you can do these things, and I will try my best to wait patiently on You, Lord.
I suppose you, the reader, might now know what to think about all this. I'm not even sure I know what to think. I would like to, however, ask for prayer from my brothers and sisters. And acceptance.
Only the Lord knows why life can so suddenly turn around for a person....
You have no idea how happy I was when you came back from Denver. When you left, I wasn't sure what to think. I never liked the idea of you leaving, but what was I supposed to do? Tell you that you should stay? (ya right) I always wondered why you left.. I mean I know you didnt want to stay here, but why did you really go?
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to tell me. You don't have to tell anyone I guess. But you went... You left for Denver and it seemed surreal. I guess I just thought you would come back soon, or never truly leave at all. Anyways, you're back now and you have changed. People change and maybe you will see that some of us have changed too. I know that you are afraid we will judge you or look down on you because you have chosen not to come to church. I don't judge you, and I don't think that the others do either. It doesn't say in the bible that you must "attend church" but it doesn say not to forsake the gathering of ourselves (believers) together. (hebrews 10:24-25) If you dont want to come to church then that is fine :), but I think it would be good to meet together with other believers in some way. Maybe you could go to the bible study at the ascani's house? I dont want to preach at you, I just want to let you know that we are still friends. I said people change. People change but true friends will be friends throughout change. I am Your Friend, and I always will be :)
Ok, just have to ask, who wrote that ^ ? hehe.
ReplyDeleteI think I went to Denver to get away. Maybe I was trying to get away from bad memories, maybe I was trying to get away from myself, I'm not really sure. I think that could be a days discussion in and of it's self.