I haven't posted in a really long time, sadly. I've been journaling a lot, because the things I've been going through the past couple of months aren't really things to blab about on a public blog. So, my journal pages haves been filling up while this blog sits empty.
I shall try to write to you, dear blog. I'm sure there are many things I can say that would qualify as 'private'. As of right now, though, I must head off to church. And then Tractor Supply will own me from 1-7. I have no desire to complain. :)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Half Life
my self worth measured in text back tempo,
its been 2 days late minutes to slow.
there may still be others but i like to pretend,
that I'm the one you really want to grow old with...
Oh how I do love that song. Thank you, Imogen, for being such a musical genius.
This morning something happened that made me realize just how much I fear others. Not necessarily their person, but their opinions and thoughts. What are they thinking? Do they think I'm as big a failure as I think myself to be? Do they pity me? I don't want to be pitied.
Maybe it's myself that I fear. I think I definitely push my own thoughts of what I think of myself onto other people. Like, they must think that way about me too.
Yesterday I was uuuber depressed. I woke up and instantly felt a cloud over my head. The frustrating thing is that I can't link it to anything. Nothing happened that I should think would bring about bad memories or something. How does one fix something that happens for no reason? I mean, most people can tell when they're going to get depressed because something triggers it. Mine's just like, randomly, 'HEY! I'm here to ruin your day and make you as miserable as possible. Aren't you glad??!!" Bleh.
I'm reading Francine River's version of the story of Ruth right now. Tis one of the most beautiful stories in the Bible, in my opinion. I want to be like Ruth some day.... loyal, loving, someone with a total servant's heart, and someone who most importantly follows God no matter what He asks of her. That's a lot to live up to, and she was a Moabite!
Today I'm going to look and see if I can find a new dog in the animal shelter down in Calhoun. I'm really excited :) The last animal shelter I went to was really nice, but the people were rude and almost all of the dogs were pit bulls. I mean, they are dogs too, but yuck. ha! We'll see what I find though, because I'm looking for something pretty particular.
Anyway, I guess I'm going to wrap this up. I'm house sitting this week and didn't get much sleep last night so I'm pretty exhausted. Still have to go to the shelter, drive all the way home, work on the fence, feed my charges, and then about a million other things. *sigh* Anyone up for taking my place?? hehe. Just kidding, I love where the Lord has placed me... even if it isn't very glamorous.
its been 2 days late minutes to slow.
there may still be others but i like to pretend,
that I'm the one you really want to grow old with...
Oh how I do love that song. Thank you, Imogen, for being such a musical genius.
This morning something happened that made me realize just how much I fear others. Not necessarily their person, but their opinions and thoughts. What are they thinking? Do they think I'm as big a failure as I think myself to be? Do they pity me? I don't want to be pitied.
Maybe it's myself that I fear. I think I definitely push my own thoughts of what I think of myself onto other people. Like, they must think that way about me too.
Yesterday I was uuuber depressed. I woke up and instantly felt a cloud over my head. The frustrating thing is that I can't link it to anything. Nothing happened that I should think would bring about bad memories or something. How does one fix something that happens for no reason? I mean, most people can tell when they're going to get depressed because something triggers it. Mine's just like, randomly, 'HEY! I'm here to ruin your day and make you as miserable as possible. Aren't you glad??!!" Bleh.
I'm reading Francine River's version of the story of Ruth right now. Tis one of the most beautiful stories in the Bible, in my opinion. I want to be like Ruth some day.... loyal, loving, someone with a total servant's heart, and someone who most importantly follows God no matter what He asks of her. That's a lot to live up to, and she was a Moabite!
Today I'm going to look and see if I can find a new dog in the animal shelter down in Calhoun. I'm really excited :) The last animal shelter I went to was really nice, but the people were rude and almost all of the dogs were pit bulls. I mean, they are dogs too, but yuck. ha! We'll see what I find though, because I'm looking for something pretty particular.
Anyway, I guess I'm going to wrap this up. I'm house sitting this week and didn't get much sleep last night so I'm pretty exhausted. Still have to go to the shelter, drive all the way home, work on the fence, feed my charges, and then about a million other things. *sigh* Anyone up for taking my place?? hehe. Just kidding, I love where the Lord has placed me... even if it isn't very glamorous.
Monday, December 13, 2010
mutare
mutare = 'to change', in Latin. Change seems to be following me these days.
Moving to Denver changed a lot inside of me. I feel like a completely different person has returned to her small little home town of Chatsworth. It's not the kind of change you would expect would have come about, either.
Before I moved to Denver I considered myself a risk taker. I was always ready to try the new thing, explore a new place, etc etc etc. I was not at all confident in myself, but I was cynical enough and sarcastic enough to make it seem like I was. I was always out with someone, doing some activity, or just hanging out with friends. I hated being at home... it was a place I almost dreaded. Moving to Denver seemed like the perfect adventure for my longing heart. A place to escape the bad memories and hurt. Who could hurt me if I was 1500 miles away?
I'm not sure, exactly, what happened to me in Denver. At the beginning it seemed that everything was going perfectly. I was going out into a huge city, finding my own job, looking at apartments, and making my own life. But, then something happened. I can't give it a name, because as far as I'm concerned I don't know what it is.
It's like something shifted inside me. I started to hesitate when I wanted to ride my bike down to the store. At first I didn't allow it, but I gradually started to allow fear to creep into my heart. It makes me think of that black goo in Spider Man 3... it started out small, but eventually took over.
Now that I am back in GA, things are very strange. Where I used to hate my house, now I have no desire to ever leave it. Where I used to love hanging out with my friends, now I quiver at the thought of being in a group of people. Where I used to be a closed, and tightly locked, chasm of secrets, now I want to be honest with people and have people know me for who I really am. Where I used to sit and dream about what I could do in life, now I'm more prone to sit and fear what life may bring.
I love being back in Ga, which is strange because I used to want to do anything to get away. But, when I think about it, I don't think it's Ga I love... it's the security of my home. I don't like going out, in fact, I avoid it. I have become terrified of seeing people I know, or who might know me. And when I do see people I know, I can't talk right... my brain goes into hyper mode and I freak out and my words come out so fast that they just tumble all over each other and don't make any sense. It's so frustrating, and makes me feel like a complete idiot.
Because I have chosen to not go to church at this stage in my life, I'm afraid my old friends (all of whom are from church) will want nothing to do with me. It's a struggle to not think, they must think I'm a total heathen....
I know I have to stay true to myself. I have to focus on God.
But this fear that has latched itself onto my heart... it's crippling.
Lord, you know my heart, you knew before the beginning of time that I would go through this. I know you have my back, and I know you are always willing to take my hand. Please, Father, help me out of this pit of fear. Pull me out of the mire. I don't want to be a slave to fear. I want to live life freely, my eyes always on You. I want my heart to be free and happy, and filled with love... not bitterness and hatred. I know you can do these things, and I will try my best to wait patiently on You, Lord.
I suppose you, the reader, might now know what to think about all this. I'm not even sure I know what to think. I would like to, however, ask for prayer from my brothers and sisters. And acceptance.
Only the Lord knows why life can so suddenly turn around for a person....
Moving to Denver changed a lot inside of me. I feel like a completely different person has returned to her small little home town of Chatsworth. It's not the kind of change you would expect would have come about, either.
Before I moved to Denver I considered myself a risk taker. I was always ready to try the new thing, explore a new place, etc etc etc. I was not at all confident in myself, but I was cynical enough and sarcastic enough to make it seem like I was. I was always out with someone, doing some activity, or just hanging out with friends. I hated being at home... it was a place I almost dreaded. Moving to Denver seemed like the perfect adventure for my longing heart. A place to escape the bad memories and hurt. Who could hurt me if I was 1500 miles away?
I'm not sure, exactly, what happened to me in Denver. At the beginning it seemed that everything was going perfectly. I was going out into a huge city, finding my own job, looking at apartments, and making my own life. But, then something happened. I can't give it a name, because as far as I'm concerned I don't know what it is.
It's like something shifted inside me. I started to hesitate when I wanted to ride my bike down to the store. At first I didn't allow it, but I gradually started to allow fear to creep into my heart. It makes me think of that black goo in Spider Man 3... it started out small, but eventually took over.
Now that I am back in GA, things are very strange. Where I used to hate my house, now I have no desire to ever leave it. Where I used to love hanging out with my friends, now I quiver at the thought of being in a group of people. Where I used to be a closed, and tightly locked, chasm of secrets, now I want to be honest with people and have people know me for who I really am. Where I used to sit and dream about what I could do in life, now I'm more prone to sit and fear what life may bring.
I love being back in Ga, which is strange because I used to want to do anything to get away. But, when I think about it, I don't think it's Ga I love... it's the security of my home. I don't like going out, in fact, I avoid it. I have become terrified of seeing people I know, or who might know me. And when I do see people I know, I can't talk right... my brain goes into hyper mode and I freak out and my words come out so fast that they just tumble all over each other and don't make any sense. It's so frustrating, and makes me feel like a complete idiot.
Because I have chosen to not go to church at this stage in my life, I'm afraid my old friends (all of whom are from church) will want nothing to do with me. It's a struggle to not think, they must think I'm a total heathen....
I know I have to stay true to myself. I have to focus on God.
But this fear that has latched itself onto my heart... it's crippling.
Lord, you know my heart, you knew before the beginning of time that I would go through this. I know you have my back, and I know you are always willing to take my hand. Please, Father, help me out of this pit of fear. Pull me out of the mire. I don't want to be a slave to fear. I want to live life freely, my eyes always on You. I want my heart to be free and happy, and filled with love... not bitterness and hatred. I know you can do these things, and I will try my best to wait patiently on You, Lord.
I suppose you, the reader, might now know what to think about all this. I'm not even sure I know what to think. I would like to, however, ask for prayer from my brothers and sisters. And acceptance.
Only the Lord knows why life can so suddenly turn around for a person....
Sunday, November 21, 2010
745 ft.
My current elevation right now.
Yup, I'm back in the lovely state of Ga for a while. Sitting on my old bed, in my new room. Kayleen has moved into my old bedroom, so my wonderful mother fixed her old bedroom all up for me. It's quite lovely, if I must admit.
Right now I am back here for the holiday season. At least until New Years. Christmas is going to be different, but fun this year and I'm really looking forward to it! Steph and Lindsey will be flying from Denver to Lindsey's parents house for Christmas, and then they'll come up to mom and dad's house for like 3 days after Christmas. Since everyone is going to be apart for C-mas, we decided to have the three of us girls, Andrew, and Emily all just get presents for each other. This will be the first Christmas in 2 or 3 years that we've actually had Christmas on Christmas, and the first in many, many years that we won't be drawing names. I'm excited because that means I get to buy presents for a whole bunch of poeple! hehe. :)
Things are changing for me, finally. It's not because I moved, or because I came back, or whatever. It's because I'm finally letting myself be me, and I'm finally letting God be my best friend, father, and protector. Things are beginning to make sense to me, where they never did before. My life long dream is really starting to take shape in my mind, and I feel like it's being daily painted there by my God. I am discovering things that I need, things that I don't, and millions of things in between. I am so thankful to my parents for being so supportive of me... especially my mom. They listen to me and they understand where I'm coming from. I think that is one of the most valuable things in my life.
As of right now, I am not attending church or anything. I have come to realize that being in church - and constantly trying to be the 'model Christian' - was killing my faith. I wasn't there because I wanted to be, I was there because I thought God would hate me if I wasn't. But when I moved to Denver it gave me a chance to take several steps back and survey my life and my faith. What I saw wasn't pretty.... I was basing my 'faith', or lack there of, on works and trying to always please God. I thought that if I wasn't in church, sunday school youth group, choir, teaching kids, etc. then He wouldn't notice me, let alone love me. Moving to Denver gave me the freedom to decide to not go to church, because I didn't have people pressuring me or influencing my thoughts. I was able to step away from the entire religion and take a much needed breather. But when I was out on my own breathing, I realized that I wanted God. I wanted Him as a friend. And I can now view Him as that, not as someone I am constantly afraid of displeasing. I have decided to still stay out of church for a while though, because I'm not strong enough in Him yet to have others thoughts and opinions pressuring me. Some may think it a 'unchristian-like' act, but I know that it is the best for me and for my relationship with my Jesus right now. And that relationship is the only one I'm worrying about right now.
I have also come to realize that I am ok with the fact that other people are going to think bad of me, or look down on me. I'm ok with it because I know God is the ultimate authority when it comes to my self-worth. Yeah, it bothers me or hurts my feelings or whatever, but I am learning to just honestly shrug and move on.
Finally realizing things about one's self is an amazing thing. The growth that comes from it is both exhausting and wonderful. I am very thankful that although I am no where near to learning everything about myself, God already has every inch of me figured out.
I don't know about you, but that is the most beautiful and reassuring thing I can think of. :)
Yup, I'm back in the lovely state of Ga for a while. Sitting on my old bed, in my new room. Kayleen has moved into my old bedroom, so my wonderful mother fixed her old bedroom all up for me. It's quite lovely, if I must admit.
Right now I am back here for the holiday season. At least until New Years. Christmas is going to be different, but fun this year and I'm really looking forward to it! Steph and Lindsey will be flying from Denver to Lindsey's parents house for Christmas, and then they'll come up to mom and dad's house for like 3 days after Christmas. Since everyone is going to be apart for C-mas, we decided to have the three of us girls, Andrew, and Emily all just get presents for each other. This will be the first Christmas in 2 or 3 years that we've actually had Christmas on Christmas, and the first in many, many years that we won't be drawing names. I'm excited because that means I get to buy presents for a whole bunch of poeple! hehe. :)
Things are changing for me, finally. It's not because I moved, or because I came back, or whatever. It's because I'm finally letting myself be me, and I'm finally letting God be my best friend, father, and protector. Things are beginning to make sense to me, where they never did before. My life long dream is really starting to take shape in my mind, and I feel like it's being daily painted there by my God. I am discovering things that I need, things that I don't, and millions of things in between. I am so thankful to my parents for being so supportive of me... especially my mom. They listen to me and they understand where I'm coming from. I think that is one of the most valuable things in my life.
As of right now, I am not attending church or anything. I have come to realize that being in church - and constantly trying to be the 'model Christian' - was killing my faith. I wasn't there because I wanted to be, I was there because I thought God would hate me if I wasn't. But when I moved to Denver it gave me a chance to take several steps back and survey my life and my faith. What I saw wasn't pretty.... I was basing my 'faith', or lack there of, on works and trying to always please God. I thought that if I wasn't in church, sunday school youth group, choir, teaching kids, etc. then He wouldn't notice me, let alone love me. Moving to Denver gave me the freedom to decide to not go to church, because I didn't have people pressuring me or influencing my thoughts. I was able to step away from the entire religion and take a much needed breather. But when I was out on my own breathing, I realized that I wanted God. I wanted Him as a friend. And I can now view Him as that, not as someone I am constantly afraid of displeasing. I have decided to still stay out of church for a while though, because I'm not strong enough in Him yet to have others thoughts and opinions pressuring me. Some may think it a 'unchristian-like' act, but I know that it is the best for me and for my relationship with my Jesus right now. And that relationship is the only one I'm worrying about right now.
I have also come to realize that I am ok with the fact that other people are going to think bad of me, or look down on me. I'm ok with it because I know God is the ultimate authority when it comes to my self-worth. Yeah, it bothers me or hurts my feelings or whatever, but I am learning to just honestly shrug and move on.
Finally realizing things about one's self is an amazing thing. The growth that comes from it is both exhausting and wonderful. I am very thankful that although I am no where near to learning everything about myself, God already has every inch of me figured out.
I don't know about you, but that is the most beautiful and reassuring thing I can think of. :)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Safe
You keep tryin to get inside my head,
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see i'm hangin by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah i'm losing control and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju--st isn't safe
(your not safe, mmm-mm)
I'm strong enough, i've always told myself
I never want to need somebody else
But i've already fallen from that hill,
So i'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't
Britt Nicole Safe lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/britt-nicole-safe-lyrics.html
Everything you want, but its everything you need
Its not always happy endings but its hap-py in betweeen
Its taken so long, so long to finally see
The other isn't worth the risk
Oh no, my walls are gonna breeeaakk
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't safe
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
Your not safe
And that's okay
~~ Safe, by Britt Nicole
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see i'm hangin by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah i'm losing control and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju--st isn't safe
(your not safe, mmm-mm)
I'm strong enough, i've always told myself
I never want to need somebody else
But i've already fallen from that hill,
So i'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't
Britt Nicole Safe lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/britt-nicole-safe-lyrics.html
Everything you want, but its everything you need
Its not always happy endings but its hap-py in betweeen
Its taken so long, so long to finally see
The other isn't worth the risk
Oh no, my walls are gonna breeeaakk
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't safe
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe
Your not safe
And that's okay
~~ Safe, by Britt Nicole
Monday, November 8, 2010
ramblings
'No elf shall be employed in anything other then singing, dancing, or tom-foolery'
haha. Gotta love Ella Enchanted :)
I really don't have anything to say, but I do feel the need to update my blog. I'm going through some hard stuff right now, and some very hard decisions. Well, the decisions themselves aren't necessarily hard, but the choosing which path to take sure is!
There is a calling for snow tomorrow... and possibly several inches by Thursday! That's exciting to me :) Maybe I'll get to wear my new coat soon!
Anyways, I think that's about all I got.
Oh, I did get some really cute boots the other day :)
haha. Gotta love Ella Enchanted :)
I really don't have anything to say, but I do feel the need to update my blog. I'm going through some hard stuff right now, and some very hard decisions. Well, the decisions themselves aren't necessarily hard, but the choosing which path to take sure is!
There is a calling for snow tomorrow... and possibly several inches by Thursday! That's exciting to me :) Maybe I'll get to wear my new coat soon!
Anyways, I think that's about all I got.
Oh, I did get some really cute boots the other day :)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
What if
What if everything didn't happen for a reason?
What if there was no God watching our every move from above?
What if our conscience didn't say anything when we screwed up?
What if we had to live life feeling hopeless, with no hope of finding forgiveness and redemption?
What if up meant down? Or right meant left?
What if being poor didn't mean you were scum?
What if the average rich person actually cared?
What if people didn't turn a deaf and bitter ear when someone tried to share Christ with them?
What if Ghandi wouldn't have said "I love your Christ, but not your Christians"?
What if Hitler hadn't been born? Or, what if something hadn't happened to make him so hateful?
What if I hadn't been born into a family who followed the gospel?
What if I had never realized that God is a friend, not an enemy?
What if God hadn't offered His only son as a sacrifice for the entire world?
Life has so many 'if's. It's hard to think about things as if they might have been different. I for one am glad that Christ saved humanity. Life would be so, empty if there was no hope. I know I have not always had this outlook on faith, but I sure thankful that I even have the chance to find a savior.
I heard a song on the radio this morning after I dropped Lindsey off at work @ 5:45. It's by the band Everlast and it's called What It's Like. I've never heard of the band, nor have I ever heard the song... but I'm thankful I just happened to turn on the radio as it came on. The song is designed to make people think, and it definitely achieved that with me. I encourage you to give it a listen.
My laptop is about to die, and I've got a dog curled up in my lap which makes me very reluctant to get up and go fetch my power cord... so I'll wrap this up for now.
Think today about where God has placed you in the world. What if He put there for an amazingly special purpose that only you can fulfill? I'd like to think that's the case for each and every person on earth... it's just a matter of whether or not we realize it before it's too late.
What if there was no God watching our every move from above?
What if our conscience didn't say anything when we screwed up?
What if we had to live life feeling hopeless, with no hope of finding forgiveness and redemption?
What if up meant down? Or right meant left?
What if being poor didn't mean you were scum?
What if the average rich person actually cared?
What if people didn't turn a deaf and bitter ear when someone tried to share Christ with them?
What if Ghandi wouldn't have said "I love your Christ, but not your Christians"?
What if Hitler hadn't been born? Or, what if something hadn't happened to make him so hateful?
What if I hadn't been born into a family who followed the gospel?
What if I had never realized that God is a friend, not an enemy?
What if God hadn't offered His only son as a sacrifice for the entire world?
Life has so many 'if's. It's hard to think about things as if they might have been different. I for one am glad that Christ saved humanity. Life would be so, empty if there was no hope. I know I have not always had this outlook on faith, but I sure thankful that I even have the chance to find a savior.
I heard a song on the radio this morning after I dropped Lindsey off at work @ 5:45. It's by the band Everlast and it's called What It's Like. I've never heard of the band, nor have I ever heard the song... but I'm thankful I just happened to turn on the radio as it came on. The song is designed to make people think, and it definitely achieved that with me. I encourage you to give it a listen.
My laptop is about to die, and I've got a dog curled up in my lap which makes me very reluctant to get up and go fetch my power cord... so I'll wrap this up for now.
Think today about where God has placed you in the world. What if He put there for an amazingly special purpose that only you can fulfill? I'd like to think that's the case for each and every person on earth... it's just a matter of whether or not we realize it before it's too late.
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