probably...

my roughest day since my arrival here.
I have a depression commercial going through my head....
"Depression hurts, but cymbalta can help."
or whatever the stupid medicine is called.

I feel like singing at the top of my lungs.
or screaming. screaming would work just as well.

I want to go out into the middle of a field and yell at everyone. I wish someone could understand how I'm feeling right now. But, that is impossible, so I shall simply stuff. Like I have so expertly learned to do. Feelings weren't meant to be shared anyway, they just create drama.

On the upside (wow, there actually is one??), I had a lovely time sleeping on the patio swing this afternoon. A little Imogen Heap playing through the head phones and I was perfectly content for about 30 minutes.

What am I turning into? A emotionless blob, who just goes through the motions because she has to? Maybe Steph is right... maybe I do need some help. I just can't imagine going to a doctore and saying 'I'm suffering from depression." That seems so childish to me. Like, I should be perfectly capable of handling that myself, I always have in the past.

But then again, my past hasn't been anything I like remembering. It's been a lot of bad days, and hurts. So I guess I'm just lame for thinking I can handle things on my own; because apparently I can't.

We're going on a picnic tomorrow. *crosses fingers* Oh how I so love being outside in th fresh air. It makes me feel free and refreshed... and lord knows that's what I need right now.

For anyone who might read this and think 'bahaha, she's just as miserable as she was here (meaning chatsworth), the big loser', you are wrong. I am not just as miserable. Yes, I am not doing so great, and life is in a particularly low point right now, but I am a determined individual and I will show you. I will pull my life out of the dumps and make something of it. Even if I myself have to do it all alone with my two bare hands.

'night all.